It’s hard to imagine a time before Starbucks was on every corner of our lives. Before the familiar green and white siren sat on signs of every street, coffee was more of a drug. It was a beverage people over 40 consumed to stay awake. Thanks to the help of social media  and mass trends, coffee… well, it became personal. 

What was once a question of  “cream or sugar” became orders that can’t be pronounced, with specifications not even the queen would ask for in her tea. Which is why am I here today, to judge you and the extravagant or wretchedly simple drink that you 100% make part of your daily identity.  

So take it with a giggle and maybe even an extra pump of vanilla and prepare to be judged. 

Hot or cold?

If it’s hotter than 80 degrees and you live in Miami but are still ordering any kind of hot drink, you must’ve been recently shipped form Antarctica  because that is unacceptable. However, if it is somewhat cool and you order a cold drink, it’s a vibe.

Frappuccino? No, thank you.

If it is 2023 and you order a Frappuccino on a regular basis, you are one of two things: a middle schooler or you think the 2016 tumblr era needs to be brought back. In both cases: unacceptable. This applies specifically towards a vanilla bean, strawberry crème, or chocolate cookie.

Why are you ordering tea?

Matcha. Oh, matcha. The 2023 “that girls” treat you like you are the last drop of water in a dessert. You are either TikTok obsessed, an old woman, or have excellent taste. Extra points if it’s cold and with a pump of vanilla. Totally banned if it’s hot. If you only tried it for the aesthetic but hated the taste of tea, I understand you but shake my head in disapproval.

Actually, can I have it shaken?

If you get a grande Iced Shaken Espresso and sub for almond milk without classic syrup but with three pumps of vanilla, I can tell that you love Alix Earle and probably own some type of white eyeliner. 

Yes, I’ll pay a crazy amount of money for freezer food. Thank you. 

Is there any kind of breakfast sandwich, you aren’t scared of looking un aesthetically pleasing and you’re actually hungry? Cake pop? A must with every order. You either religiously order the birthday cake one or you switch it up sometimes and get some kind of chocolate flavor. You probably ordered the animal one because it was cute but it tasted the exact same as the regular ones. 

If you get any of the egg options, I respect your opinions. I don’t eat eggs, so I can’t partake.

Refresh me, oh my.

If you get any form of Strawberry Acai Refresher, I totally respect you. You are either in a more tropical place or you just aren’t vibing with coffee. Either way, I support this decision. Hands down most reliable drink on the menu. This belief also goes for the Dragon Drink, or Mango Dragonfruit Refreshers. Never the pink drink; that’s just sad. It’s not 2016, and you are not Alisha Marie.

Latte, but make it skinny.

The vanilla latte is the little black dress of Starbucks drinks. Even tinier black dress if you ask it with any kind of skinny. You’re loyal to the classics for a reason: they’re good. You like clean tastes without a lot of clutter. You are most likely wearing UGG boots, black yoga pants, and a college sweatshirt with the collar cut into a V.

Iced Coffee

You know what you want, and aren’t afraid to ask for it. You are somewhat of a coffee professional and probably have an order with more than 10 specifics. It is your go to order and it makes you proud to recite it like the national anthem. You will tell ANYONE who mentions Starbucks and probably drink too many.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Well. There’s a lot to be said about the PSL fanatic. She, like the iced coffee drinker, is patient and dedicated. She lies in wait all year for her time to come. And when it is here…she is the sun, the moon, and the stars. She will let everyone know she got the PSL the day it got out.

Peppermint Mocha
You believed in Santa Claus wayyy longer than everyone else. Probably still do. You are the one to play the Xmas movies December first  and force your friend to bake cookies with you.

“Black coffee. Venti.”

Stop. Turn around. Go home. Either you had a really rough night or you’re a grad student, and either way, you just need sleep.